Sitting With Discomfort
New dating relationships can be fraught with discomfort: Do they like me? How often should I text? Are we exclusive? How do we define this relationship? Am I good enough? Should I bring up the fact that they didn’t call me all weekend? How are we going to handle paying for the date? What if there’s a better option out there?
My friend Shandi reminded me this weekend about the importance of The Pause. We humans don’t like being uncomfortable. At the first inkling of unpleasantness we start taking action to relieve the feeling. However, the efforts we make in these situations are often not in our best interest because they are reactive rather than thought-out. I want to talk about the importance of pausing before doing.
If you are willing to sit with a few moments of discomfort, all the above anxiety-provoking questions will be answered. The best thing you can do to truly find certainty in a new dating relationship is OBSERVE. Stop trying to get rid of the feeling, and truly look at how the other person is behaving. You may not get answers immediately, but everything you need to know will be revealed if you pay attention.
Someone who is truly interested in a future with you will not want to continue dating other people for long. A date who wants contact with you will reach out and make plans to see you. A person who is happy to hear from you will find 30 seconds to return your text sometime that day. If they said they would call and they didn’t, notice the fact that this is someone whose words and actions don’t line up.
What often happens instead of pausing and observing is that we try to force an answer. We text too many times trying to get a response, or we give up hope too quickly if we don’t hear from the person. We push them to define the relationship before they are ready because we’re afraid they might find someone else. We make excuses (or accept their excuses) for why we haven’t seen or heard from them, and hold out hope that this is going to change. We jump in to pay for a date because we’re scared of waiting to see what will happen.
My challenge for you is this: next time you notice yourself trying to create or force security in a new dating relationship, take a moment to breathe, pause, and impartially observe the actions of the other person. What message are these behaviors communicating? Are these the actions of someone you would like to have as a partner? Be patient and let the answers reveal themselves.
Please leave a comment below and let me know your biggest challenge in sitting with discomfort.