How Much is Too Much?

I spoke with a client last week who was fretting about the infrequency of texts from a woman he is newly dating. “She seems really into me when we’ve gone out, then she will go days without being in touch.” He reports that he always seems to be the one who initiates contact, then she will eventually respond to his messages. Should this be considered a red flag?

In new dating relationships, folks often struggle with how often to contact one another. I wish I could give you a specific gold-standard timeframe or frequency for being in touch. The secret formula is actually twofold: the energy attached to the contact, and pausing to pay attention to the level of reciprocity.

Let’s start by looking at the energy connected with your decision to reach out. Are you feeling excitement about the prospect of being in touch with this person? Or are you feeling insecure about whether they like you so you’re reaching out to see if they respond? Are you looking at the clock to determine whether you’re texting too soon, or to see if they are taking too long to get back with you? If your message is rooted in insecurity or needing reassurance, this is likely the energy the person will receive regardless of the frequency of contact. If you are unsure whether they like you, reach out (once), pause, and wait to see what happens next. Someone who wants contact with you is going to respond to you without an angsty delay.

Related to this is the concept of reciprocity. While there is no explicit tit-for-tat expectation for texting or calling someone, the balance should be approximately equal. If you see way more colorful messages than white ones in your thread, something is out of balance and you are likely messaging too much. Give the other person a reasonable chance to respond, then believe them when they show you the amount of contact they are making an effort to have with you.

TLDR: Don’t try to wrangle the amount of communication you’re having in a new dating relationship. Observe the other person’s frequency of messaging or calling, then evaluate whether this is a fit for you.