Good Goodbyes

We don’t get taught much about how to end things well. My first awareness about this was as a young social worker in a foster care agency. I saw kids who struggled in their foster placements for months. They would finally settle in, hit their strides, and begin to thrive. Then, when it was time to return to their families of origin they would regress, exhibit negative behaviors, and sometimes even blow out of the placement. After witnessing this pattern over and over, I started to realize that it was easier for these kids to leave the safety of their foster homes, and easier for the foster parents to let them go, if they were on bad terms with one another. “Good riddance. I don’t care if I never see you again.” 

Then I started noticing it happening in other arenas. When one partner of a couple was leaving for a trip, a spat would often arise the night before. When a client was leaving a long-term job, they would often get at odds with their boss or coworkers before their two-week notice was up. A friend would become irritable and slink out of a social situation without making the rounds to say goodbye to everyone. “I’m glad I’m getting a break. I’m not sure if I even like these people.”

Knowing the pattern exists doesn’t exempt us from participating in it. I’ve had a long-term therapy group in my practice for many years, and recently decided to make some changes and end the group in its current configuration. We have talked many times as a group about this pattern of disconnecting from people before a planned goodbye. Surprisingly, it’s happening anyway. I can feel myself participating in it too. I was ambiguous about the end date and the terms of the new group that’s forming. Members were angry, annoyed, confused, and ambivalent. A group that was once ultra-cohesive is now feeling splintered and disjointed. Much easier to say goodbye if we’re all grumbling, behaving badly and feeling disgruntled with one another.

Ideally, what we can do in any of the above situations is acknowledge directly that a goodbye is coming and that it’s going to be hard. We can express our gratitude, fondness, or love for the person (or people) we’re leaving. We can make eye contact with them and tell them we will miss them. We can let them know the ways they have made an impact in our lives. We can make a concrete plan for how we’re going to stay in touch with them once the goodbye occurs, and then we can follow through with that plan. We can leave them something in writing or some other tangible reminder of the relationship so they can remember it once they’re gone. 

How have you seen this pattern in your own life? Are there times you’ve managed a good goodbye? I would love to hear about both in the comments.