Getting Dateable

One of the things that makes dating so brutal is combing through scores of potential matches to see if they have the qualities you’re looking for (and making sure they don’t have any traits that are deal-breakers). It’s good to assess what you want, and to be particular when choosing someone who might be your long-term partner. A client recently brought in this list of attributes she wants in a potential mate:

Honest

Kind

Loyal

Good communicator

Good sense of humor

Financially stable

Responsible

Smart

While this is a great list, I should probably tell you that this client just got out of a marriage in which she became very unhappy, had an affair, and hid assets from her spouse, leading to an ugly divorce. I challenged her to look at her list through the lens of what she is bringing to the table: She became unhappy in her marriage, but was unable to communicate her needs to her spouse. As a result, she sought happiness from an outside source and did not remain loyal to her marriage vows. She tried to hide assets due to financial fears, and her dishonesty resulted in a loss of financial stability. The affair and the dishonesty led to both parties behaving unkindly toward each other.

Before she can begin finding a partner with the qualities on her list, she needs to do some work on how she can get back to a place of embodying these things herself. It would be helpful to explore what led her to behaviors that do not match her stated values. Of course she is not the only one to blame for the dissolution of the marriage, but her own lapses are the only ones she can fix. 

Be willing to identify and shore up your own deficits in order to be the kind of partner you want to find. This will draw the caliber of community you’d like, and will increase your chances of finding your ideal partner.