Falling in Love with Someone’s Potential

I admit I’m prone to falling in love with someone’s potential. It happens to me all the time with clients and with friends. I see their struggles, I see a few simple steps they could take to make things better for themselves, and voila, a new and improved version of that person appears in my head! You want to quit drinking? Here’s how you do that! You want to end that relationship that’s not meeting your needs? Let me show you the steps. 

There is a grain of something good in this line of thinking. I truly look for the best in people, and I rarely believe their flaws or situations are permanent. However, there’s a super important thing that’s getting overlooked: every single one of us wants to be accepted for who we are, where we are. If there’s a feeling that I need to change or improve in order for you to love me, then our relationship inherently has a shaky foundation. Falling in love with someone’s potential starts with a premise that something needs to change. 

A more helpful framework is to start by looking at the positive attributes of that person and what draws you to them. Next, ask yourself if you can accept them exactly as they are. This doesn’t mean you like their negative qualities or habits, just that you can accept them and focus on the good. If the answer is yes, move forward with the relationship. If not, do both of you a favor and let the person go. 

Starting a relationship and hoping the person will change sets you up to get disappointed. If the person has certain traits or habits when you meet them, it’s part of who they are at that moment. If you accept the person as-is and they later improve, that’s a win for both of you! However, if you begin a relationship with the expectation that the person will change, they will forever feel like they are striving to be what you want.