The Art of the Apology
One of the most powerful tools in any relationship is one that folks seem universally reluctant to utilize. It’s also one that is most often wielded improperly, with the accompanying shoulder shrug and the words, “I tried.” What makes it so difficult to apologize, what are the benefits of an apology, and what are the steps to doing it correctly?
Why so difficult?
The biggest barrier to apologizing seems to be that it gets equated with an admission of being wrong. If you think about apologizing for the impact of your words or actions rather than apologizing for the words or actions themselves, this may help you frame it differently. For example, if I can’t come to your birthday party on Saturday and this hurts your feelings, I will apologize for hurting your feelings. I’m not wrong, and I may not be sorry I can’t attend the party, but I am sorry for hurting the feelings of another person.
Another reason people are hesitant to apologize is they think it is a sign they have lost an argument. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Taking responsibility for the impact of your actions by apologizing almost always softens (and often ends) an argument. If you have the power to turn a situation around in a positive direction, this is a sign you are taking control, not giving it up.
There is a common misconception that apologies don’t “work”, or that the other person is going to stay mad anyway, so why apologize. There is some truth to this, because most often the apology is not made correctly so it ends up having a negative or neutral effect instead of a positive one. Once you have the tools to craft a proper apology, you will find yourself practicing it more often.
How do apologies help?
The most important benefit of an apology is it makes the recipient feel seen. When you take the time to understand how your words or actions impacted another person, it is a recognition of that person’s significance. This can strengthen the relationship by repairing the damaged connection.
Taking personal responsibility for your actions can give you a sense of mastery, relief, and self-determination. It will increase your ability to have meaningful relationships, and it will allow others to feel safer with you because you are not defending yourself or deflecting accountability. When you take responsibility for your actions, you will eventually learn to be more attuned to others’ feelings, which will make you more successful and satisfied with your relationships.
5 steps to a proper apology
1. Begin by taking an internal inventory. What did you do that negatively impacted the other person? Where did you set the ball rolling in the wrong direction, or escalate the negativity? It may be tempting here to shift your focus to what the other person did wrong. Even if they were equally or more at fault, the point here is to look at your own words and actions. What could you have done differently? Getting to this place of sincerely acknowledging to yourself how you affected someone else is an important first step.
2. Apologize as soon as possible. Even if you’re uncomfortable and inclined to procrastinate, face your fears and make the apology right away. Putting it off gives you more anxiety and often allows the situation to fester. You’ll feel better once you tackle it head-on.
3. Acknowledge out loud (or in writing) exactly what you did and how it impacted the other person. Here are some examples:
· “I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings by calling you a jerk.”
· “I’m sorry I didn’t keep my word about coming home by 7:00.”
· “I’m really sorry for raising my voice at you.”
Make sure you end these sentences after the apology. This is not the time to justify or explain your actions. If you add the word “but” to your apology, you negate everything that came before it. Apologize, period. Also, make sure you’re apologizing for your actions, not for the other person’s feelings, (i.e. don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry you misunderstood what I was saying.”)
4. Say what you will do to correct the action, and why that’s important to you.
· “I care about you and would never hurt your feelings on purpose. I will do my absolute best to not call you names in the future.”
· “I want to be a person of integrity. Next time I will make sure my words and actions line up.”
· “You’re important to me, and I don’t want to raise my voice at you. I will work on speaking to you in a kind tone, even when we disagree.”
If you don’t know how to correct the action, ask the other person, “What can I do to make this right?”
5. Demonstrate the corrective action as soon as you can. Make sure you don’t call names, run late, or raise your voice. Be your best self at the earliest possible opportunities.
How to accept an apology
When someone makes an apology to you, be sure to positively reinforce this behavior by giving a proper response. “Thank you for apologizing” or “I appreciate your apology” is always a good place to start. Make sure you don’t respond by recounting what the person did wrong, even if it’s tempting to do so. If this is what they receive directly after an apology, they will be less likely to apologize the next time. If you still need some time before you’re ready to forgive it’s okay to say something like, “I will get past this, I just need a little more time.” Make sure your response is sincere, and don’t say anything you don’t mean.
In summary, frequent use of proper apologies is a powerful tool for taking responsibility for yourself, keeping your personal power, and improving your relationships. Remember, you are a kind person who doesn’t want to hurt people you care about. If you do hurt someone, even if it’s unintentional, a prompt apology will go a long way toward repairing the relationship