I was speaking with my aunt the other day. Her son is gay, and she thinks it is because of a lack of the “y” chromosome. If people are gay from that then do you know of a pill or treatment so I can get more of the “y” chromosome? Maybe that would help.  What do you think?

“Y” Not

Dear X-Man,

I think your aunt may be a bit misinformed.  The Y-chromosome is what determines sex (i.e. makes someone male), not sexual orientation.  If you and your cousin are gay, it’s not because you are missing your Y-chromosomes.  (Additionally, to my knowledge there is no pill to correct chromosomal anomalies, even if you had one.)  My concern is your feeling that you need a “pill or treatment,” presumably to “cure” you of being gay? Sexual orientation is merely a gauge of whom you’re attracted to.  It is not an illness or a moral issue.  Please seek some support from others who accept you for exactly who you are.  You are already okay!

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

I’ve been seeing this girl for several weeks, and we’ve gotten really close.  She’s 3 years older than I am, well-traveled, that whole gig, and absolutely wonderful!  She has a significant other though… (I know, messy, but I figure honesty is key in these things.)

The other night, we were gettin’ hot ‘n steamy.  The foreplay was great, and as we were about to have sex I just couldn’t maintain my erection, a hard thing to admit since I’m just 25.  The whole time leading up to it I was full-on and ready to go. It’s baffling me as to why I couldn’t do it.  I’ve never had the problem before with any other partner but now I’m obviously freaked out by it and kind of scared to try again because of this event.

I dont know if I just started thinking about the situation with the other guy or what, or if I just got some kind of unexpected stage fright?  Any tips or insight would be wonderful! It’s bothering me quite a bit and I’d love to figure it out or just not think about it (which is probably the issue anyway)!

Thanks,

Buddy from Belize

Dear Buddy,

Actually, it’s not that uncommon at all, even at 25.  It’s a new situation, and it comes with a few stressful components. Your reaction of being scared and freaked out is really normal. The tricky part is, you have to challenge yourself to move forward so it doesn’t become a self-perpetuating cycle (i.e. I’m anxious about my performance, so the anxiety causes actual performance problems, which cause more anxiety, etc.)

My suggestion is to stay really present with her in the moment. Notice what’s around you, the sights, sounds, smells, the feel of your body touching the furniture, etc. When you’re staying conscious and present, it’s impossible to fret about your performance. My guess is all will go well and your anxiety will be alleviated, which will become a positive self-perpetuating cycle.

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

I am really embarrassed about the question I’m going to ask you.  My husband gets off on doing something I’ve never heard of, and I don’t know who to talk to about it.  He likes to rub his penis in my armpit until he has an orgasm.  Obviously this does nothing for me sexually, but it doesn’t hurt or harm me in any way either.  Do you think it’s okay to let him do this?

Pitting Out in Pasadena

Dear POP,

The practice your husband enjoys is called axillary intercourse.  While not well-known, it’s not a totally uncommon sex act.  If he enjoys it and you don’t mind, it’s totally okay to continue.  However, if you start to feel sexually compromised or resentful, it’s time to communicate with him about it and make some changes.

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

My wife says she doesn’t mind giving me blow jobs, but she always spits out the semen and brushes her teeth right after she’s done.  We have gotten into several arguments about this, but she won’t change.  I can’t figure out why this hurts my feelings, but it does.  Can you tell me why this makes me feel bad?

Sensitive in South Austin

Dear SiSA,

You’re not alone in feeling this way.  Men generally prefer that their semen be swallowed rather than spit out because it gives them a feeling of acceptance.  Now that you have some awareness about this, please don’t personalize your wife’s unwillingness to swallow.  Many people find the taste and texture of ejaculate less than agreeable, but this has nothing to do with the person who produced said semen.

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

My husband was at a conference for work and he had a one night stand with a waitress from the bar at his hotel.  I found out about it because one of my friends (who is a wife of his co-worker) told me.  When I confronted him about it he admitted it immediately, cried profusely, then apologized.  He says nothing like this has ever happened  before, and he swears it will never happen again.  The weird part is, I tend to believe him.  We have always had a strong marriage.  I have never been the jealous type, and he has never behaved in a way that makes me feel threatened.  Do you think I am foolish to believe him and move on? Should I keep closer tabs on him, or should I cut my losses and get out now?

Traumatized in Travis County

Dear TTC,

You haven’t said much about your history in this relationship, except that you’ve always had a strong marriage, and he has never behaved in a way that made you feel threatened.  The main issue here is that he apparently violated an agreement he made to be monogamous, so his words and his actions didn’t line up in this situation.  I would challenge him to reassess his commitments around this.  If he can do so in a way that allows you to trust him, staying in the marriage is the obvious solution.  Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s okay to give him leeway and move forward.  However, if he violates your trust again, please respect yourself enough to reevaluate your marriage and consider whether or not staying feels like taking care of yourself.

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.  Letters may be edited for grammar or brevity.

I am a 53 year old guy and I have a really embarrassing problem.  Whenever my penis gets hard it curves to the left.  I know all men have some curvature, but mine is really extreme.  I have been married for almost 30 years, and this is interfering with my sex life.  I thought of talking to my doctor about it during my last physical, but I just couldn’t do it.  What is this, and what can I do about it?

Bent in Boston

Dear Bent,

It sounds like you may be experiencing Peyronie’s Disease, in which fibrous scar tissue develops under the skin of the penis.  The cause of this is unknown, but it may be related to previous injury to or fracture of the penis.  Peyronie’s typically affects men between the ages of 40-60.  Symptoms include a bend in the penis, narrowing or shortening of the penis, problems with penetration during intercourse, and sometimes pain.

There are several treatments for Peyronie’s, including steroid injections, radiation therapy, vitamin E, and a few medications.  Surgery is a last-resort option because it may cause impotence.  Many men with Peyronie’s are able to have an active sex life, even without treatment of the condition.

You didn’t say whether you and your wife are talking about your concerns.  You also didn’t say whether the curvature of your penis is interfering with your sex life, or whether your embarrassment about it is causing the problem.  My suggestion would be to talk openly with your wife, and then discuss it with your doctor.

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.  Letters may be edited for length and content.

I am seeking some help to understand my sexual orientation. At about age 5 I realized my attraction to other girls; however, family pressures along with social, cultural, and religious values made the thought of coming out seem very scary and I married at age 20. I was married a mere four months when I left my husband and met my first girlfriend. What has troubled me constantly over the last 13 years is that while I find myself deeply attracted both emotionally and sexually to women, I also desire sex (not relationships) with men. Usually, the sex I have with men is anonymous — either I’ve met the guy at a bar or online — and it is almost always a one night stand, though there have been a few repeat performances with a couple of the guys.  After the sex is over, I feel incredibly guilty; I beat myself up over my actions for days on end. I’ve engaged in this type of behavior while in committed relationships and while I’ve been single. Does having sex with men under these circumstances mean I’m actually bisexual? Add to that, I seem to have what feels like an incredibly odd fascination with men’s testicles, which I don’t at all understand. It actually is rather upsetting to me. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Turned On by Testicles

Dear Ball Lover,

Sexual orientation exists on a continuum, and is thought to be fairly fluid in many women.  You seem clear that you are sexually attracted to both men and women, but you only desire to be in a relationship with another woman.  Technically, I suppose you could be labeled bisexual since the term refers to someone who is attracted to both men and women. However, most of the time labels are limiting and don’t serve us well, so I’m not sure it’s important to give yourself one.

I believe your guilt is coming from the fact that you haven’t been honest with your partners about your behavior, or maybe even about your attraction to men.  What would it be like to own your feelings of attraction up front, and find a partner who is not threatened by this?  You also may be feeling bad if having one-night-stands doesn’t feel like taking care of yourself emotionally, or perhaps physically.

As for your attraction to men’s testicles, this is called partialism, being “partial” to a specific body part.  (This phenomenon is often incorrectly referred to as a “fetish”.  However, a fetish is an attraction to inanimate objects, such as leather or feathers.)  There are entire websites dedicated to folks who are aroused by testicles, so you’re definitely not the only one.

My hope is that you will begin to align your words and actions (it doesn’t really matter which one you change), accept your attractions as perfectly okay parts of you, and let go of the guilt so you can be a little gentler with yourself!

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

Scared in San Antonio

Dear Scared,
Your concerns are common ones for many women. Lots of (I would say “most” but I know women don’t want to believe this) normal men, even ones in healthy relationships, enjoy looking at pornography. It provides a kind of visual stimulation they are unlikely to get elsewhere. Contrary to popular belief, the fantasy is not so much about the women in the porn, but about their own virility and sexual prowess.

What has your communication been like about the porn, and about sex in general? You didn’t say whether he knows you’ve been monitoring his history, or whether you have asked him to initiate sex more often. My first suggestion would be to explore your own fears about his viewing pornography so you can identify which part of that is feeling most scary. Then open up a dialogue about this with him, making sure you are taking responsibility for your own feelings rather than criticizing his behavior. I would also recommend you both read the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. My hope is that you will find a way to become more connected sexually, rather than allowing the porn to be a divisive factor.

Take care,
SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com.

I’m seeking help about how to accept an alternate lifestyle. As a young girl, I was repeatedly sexually abused and subsequently developed a fascination with diapers. As a teenager, I began associating wearing diapers with sexual arousal but I experienced a lot of guilt and shame about this. Now, I’m thirty-five and spend my private time becoming sexually aroused by wearing diapers and doing all the things a baby does. After I reach sexual gratification, the guilt and shame sets in. On one hand I love acting like a baby but on the other hand I hate doing it because of the guilt I feel afterward. How can I learn to accept my desires without feeling guilty?

Feeling Bad in Babyland

Dear Babygirl,

It sounds like you are experiencing something called paraphilic infantilism, a fetish in which sexual pleasure is derived from dressing and acting like a baby or toddler.  There is not much research done on this particular fetish, perhaps because most Adult Babies (or ABs, as most prefer to be called) do not seek therapy, making it more difficult to collect data.  Common characteristics among ABs include an intense desire to be loved, and a strong fear of rejection.  The baby fantasies give them a feeling of safety and security they do not derive elsewhere.  However, discussing the fantasies with a partner is a difficult task because they are afraid of ridicule.

As for your guilt, sexual turn-ons very widely from one person to the next.  As long as you are a consenting adult engaging in a practice that does not harm anyone, please release your guilt and allow yourself these simple pleasures.

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com

I met this beautiful lady at a party and was having a great time with her. After talking for a few minutes, I found out she had a lesbian partner who was also at the party, and then I got even more excited. The thought of being with the two of them was so incredible I could hardly think about it. Do lesbians ever have a man join them for a threesome? Just wondering what your thoughts are.

Midwest Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

Do lesbians ever have a man join them for a threesome?  Hmmm, well I’m sure it has happened before but I think this is mostly a fantasy in straight men’s minds, perpetuated by the proliferation of bad “lesbian” porn.  If you believe you were getting actual sexual signals from this woman and her partner, ask directly if it’s something they’re interested in.  Otherwise, this one might be best left in the arena of fun (but benign) flirtation.

Take care,

SK

If you have a question for the sex therapist, email sarah@sarahkyle.com